Enhancing Connection in Coaching Sessions

John: 00:00:17

Well, welcome to the show, and as you can already

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probably tell it's just me today.

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So Coach John with you and Angie will

be back with us for our next episode.

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But on this show today, we're gonna keep

it fairly short and we're gonna talk

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about connecting with clients and to make

sure that we do that well and to keep

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that connection going in the long-term

relationship we have with our clients and

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getting connection back where maybe

we have perhaps lost some rapport

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for some reason along the way.

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Now there's different types of connection

for sure in your coaching session.

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So if you are doing primarily one-to-one,

then you do probably want to focus

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more on the one-to-one connection.

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But if you're doing group coaching,

which may be in addition to one-to-one

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or that may be your primary form of

coaching then there are some different

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things you can use to help you do that.

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So there will be some things that

are core principles here and some

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things that will be a little different

depending on the nature of the connection

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that you are trying to establish.

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And there are times where we lose

connection or rapport with people

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along the way, or maybe it just weakens

a bit and we want to make sure it's

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as strong as it can possibly be.

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So in this shorter episode, that's

exactly what we want to cover today

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to help you make sure that you

and your clients feel connected.

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From the get go, one of the best

things you can always do is to be

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a natural smiler, especially in the

earlier stages of your relationship.

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We don't wanna be too serious

all the time with coaching.

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There are certainly times where we

maybe don't want to have a smile on our

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face when we're working with clients

'cause it might not be appropriate.

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But in the early stages of getting to

know someone, certainly welcoming a

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new client and getting onto initial

calls as well, a good smile really

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helps and a proper true smile.

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Smiling with the eyes, not

just with the mouth as well.

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And even if you are audio only, it still

makes a difference to how you sound.

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Smiling will definitely come through

one way or another, and it will

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come through in your energy as well.

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The physical act of smiling does

start to change our neurology a little

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bit, our brain chemistry, is without

a doubt that we can impact our own

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emotional state by our physicality.

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We will probably know that if we are

slouched over, and sound low energy.

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The chance, though, we're probably

feeling that as well, we are leading

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our energy further into that.

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But even if we're feeling a bit low

energy, if we sit ourselves up or stand

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up straight I know some people like

to coach while they're standing up.

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I believe some people even try and coach

whilst they're on treadmills these days.

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But, I am not one of those people.

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Now, I appreciate some people may have

physical limitations that might prevent

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some of these things, but for the

majority of people, sitting yourself

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upright, putting your shoulders back,

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plastering a smile over your

face and a real smile will

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change somewhat how you feel.

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And even if you are initially resisting

that, I do encourage you to do that.

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'cause your energy, you are the leader.

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You often hear Angie

saying You're the pace car.

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It's not just true for the content

of your coaching sessions, it's

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true for the energy of them as

well, the emotional energy of them.

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You set the tone to a greater degree,

especially when people initially come

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onto a coaching call or session with you.

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So whether you are doing one-to-one all

group, this counts for all of those.

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If your energy isn't good and strong, then

that will come across and may interfere

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with client's ability to connect with you.

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We do need to still strike a balance.

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We don't wanna have too much energy.

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We don't want to become

inaccessible to our clients,

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especially on one-to-one calls.

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So we want to keep it moderate.

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We probably ideally want to

aim for somewhere slightly

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above where most people are at.

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Now, if you are naturally

high energy, stick with that.

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Don't change it at all because people

will probably come to you for that

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and they'll expect it, and you may not

need to turn it up anymore than that.

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But if you are not a

naturally high energy person.

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The small shift isn't going to

feel too jarring for people.

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Whereas if you made a huge shift in

energy before doing these things, people

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start to wonder what's going on with

you, whether you take on something

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or whether something has happened.

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So you want to still stay true to you.

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This is all the thing about turning

up the dials just a little bit.

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When you are connecting, this is

probably more important with group

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situations where you do need to dial up

the energy, somewhat more noticeably.

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Again, you don't need to become a

hyperactive clowned version of yourself.

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You really just need to turn up

the dials a little bit to be the

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energy leader on the calls or the

sessions that you are leading.

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Very important for online, especially if

you are doing a Zoom group or conference,

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you may need to do that a little more

than if you were in person because

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you have other barriers to attention

and engagement in group settings.

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Especially online where people

could be attending to their mobile

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phone or checking their emails

whilst they're on a call with you.

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Especially noticeable when that's

one-to-one calls, but harder to observe

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those things and harder to call them

out as well when you are on group calls

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where you may have 5, 10, 15, 20, or more

people, and certainly if you're getting

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into the hundreds of people on a call, you

are never going to be able to manage that.

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The best you can do is try and

keep engagement checked in from

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time to time in those calls.

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Now, I think one of the best ways

to help yourself lead energy is

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to always aim to be in a state

of warmth and competence when you

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are coming into coaching sessions.

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I would say that's especially true when

you are engaging with brand new clients,

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but I think it's a great energy to be

approaching your coaching from as well.

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Warmth, competence, approachability.

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Be welcoming to connection

with your clients.

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Now, in one-to-one sessions, that

may mean that you start off with

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a little small talk connection.

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How are you, how have things been?

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You don't want to get into a

full, in-depth conversation.

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You are not just meeting up in

a coffee shop with a friend.

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You've come together to do something.

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But I think it's fine to check in,

have some pleasantries with people

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because that is how people are, I think.

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And I think if you were to come

onto a one-to-one coaching session,

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I had a coaching session this

morning with a married couple.

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And if I was to come onto that and

say right straight to business.

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On their very first

coaching session with me.

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I don't think that would've been a great

way to help develop that relationship.

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I wanted it to be warm.

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We had a little chat about things,

but no more, certainly not more than

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three or four minutes of the call.

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And I do tend to extend first calls

with people anyway, so it didn't really

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eat into any of the coaching value.

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But once that is done, all right,

we know we're not here to chat.

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We've come here to achieve some outcomes,

so let's get to it if you're ready.

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And then we get into starting it.

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I do think checking in with permission

with your clients is always a good

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thing, even for simple things like that.

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If you're ready to go, give me a yes.

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How do you feel about

going into this topic?

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Is that something you'd like to do?

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Check in with permission.

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Now, last time we said we were gonna

talk about this on this session.

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Is that still something you'd

like to talk about or is there

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something else on your mind?

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So you are still letting them lead the

direction of the coaching session, but

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you are the one who is holding the space

and keeping things on track for them.

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So in one-to-one sessions, one of the

things that will really matter most

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isn't just being a good listener, but

being really present on the calls.

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And that does mean being a good listener,

but it also means staying tuned in, not

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allowing yourself to be distracted by

other things that could be going on.

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You may be waiting for

an email to come through.

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You might know that the child minder

is gonna contact you any minute or your

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partner or a new prospect who could

be reaching out to you at any time.

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Those are not things that should

be distracting you in a 30 to

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60 minute coaching session.

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There are simple connection tools

that probably many of us have learned.

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And if we're gonna be in visual contact

with our clients, whether that's in

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person or on Zoom or some other platform.

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We do want to try and have as close

to what can seem like eye contact as

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possible, which does mean you will need

to be looking into your video camera

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pretty much directly as if you are

looking into their eyes, which could

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mean that you might miss out on some of

their expressions and things like that.

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Now, I have a camera that actually comes

about a third of the way down my screen

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because then I can fix the screen so

that the camera is more or less where the

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client's faces for a one-to-one session.

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And that way the eye

contact feels more real.

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Definitely harder to do that with group,

but still you're probably not gonna be

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able to really pay attention to people's

expressions and responses as much.

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So looking direct into camera is

still very important and probably

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less reason not to in a group session.

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If you are online, when you are in person

with people, that eye contact generally

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is more natural, especially one-to-one.

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You're gonna have more natural

level of eye contact in groups.

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You may want to hold yourself more in a

peripheral vision than a foveal vision.

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Foveal is like looking directly

ahead, focusing on a spot.

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Peripheral is more of an expanded vision

where you are able to see more out to the

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sides and you'll notice more of what's

going on with your audience as well.

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That may be more useful on course where

you are one-to-one with a camera looking

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directly into that, whilst it's not gonna

be as focused as you might, if you were

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able to watch them on the screen and

not be concerned about the eye contact,

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it's still going to give you something.

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So eye contact is really

important for connection.

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But body language as well, I think it's

good when people can see your hands.

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Not all the time necessarily,

but at least at various points.

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Especially if you are someone who

likes to gesticulate like I do, and

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use your hands what you're talking.

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Be natural in your conversation with

people, and it does show a bit of

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emotionality and want as well when you're

using your hands to talk, and it can

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help to emphasize points that you're

making, especially in group sessions.

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Whilst we don't want to be someone who

is just using our hands to talk and

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not becoming a distraction from what

we're saying, we can use it to help

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emphasize what we're talking about

and to be more natural on camera.

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We do have more trust for people

when we can see their hands.

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As strange as that might sound true,

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Things like matching and

mirroring we've probably heard of.

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So certainly that's easier to do

when you are in person with somebody

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and you can see how they're sitting.

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You can see their posture, you

can see whether they've got their

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arms crossed, their legs crossed.

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You can match or mirror those

postures yourself to help

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develop rapport and connection.

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These things are probably more important

when you are developing rapport In the

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earlier stages, if you are naturally

good at connecting with people anyway,

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you probably find yourself doing

those things and maybe even there's

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a degrees to which we match and

mirror people in many different ways.

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So we might be doing

that with our tonality.

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We might be doing that with speed of which

we talk, not just with our physicality.

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We might be doing that with the timbre

of our voice, the volume of our voice.

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Or and other ways.

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There can be other ways as well.

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Some of the language we use can be

matching or mirroring too, so that

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we help people to feel comfortable.

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There is a really useful tool which

I know some people have labeled

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as tactical empathy, which is

essentially repeating back what you

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feel that the other person has said.

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You might say something like, all

right, I hear what you're saying.

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It sounds, and that sounds

a little bit like this.

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Is that correct?

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Or it seems that you may be feeling

this way about that from what you say.

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Is that correct?

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Not to do that, to put words into

their mouth, but only to reflect

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back what they said to you.

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It shows a deep level of listening

shows that you are being present

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with your client on, especially on

one-to-one calls, and can be a very

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useful tool in deepening connection

because people like to feel that

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they're being really well listened to.

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Undoubtedly using their name, especially

in earlier stages, not to the point

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where it just seems ridiculous.

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Not like in every single sentence,

but certainly a number of times.

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The show where it helps you remember

the names for starters for the

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longer term coaching relationship.

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But people do tend to like

the sound of their name, so.

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Don't be afraid to use people's names

where you possibly can, and that

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can be good in group settings as

well, people feel even more seen if

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they're in a group and you use their

names and connect with them directly.

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So having some one-to-one interactions

on group coaching calls or group training

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sessions can be really helpful as well.

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Now, if you are on a platform doing

some coaching for whatever reason,

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you may want to use whatever presenting

skills you have to help you to do that.

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So think about these things

that I've said about.

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Your competence and warmth and

approachability is still really important.

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I think it's always a good idea in all

settings, one-to-one or group to frame

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things up, to frame up your approach,

to frame up how the session is going

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to run and how you do things and

that they can ask questions or where

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there's opportunity for interactivity

or where you expect them to speak up.

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Frame those things up early on.

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This is one of the reasons why you

may want extra time on early sessions

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with one-to-one clients so that

you can establish those things for

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how coaching sessions are rather

than leaving them, having to figure

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those things out as time goes on.

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So you can set the scene up that

they're gonna know pretty much

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what to expect for every coaching

session that they come onto.

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But I think framing up is really

good for group calls as well.

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But what about the times where you

feel that you are losing rapport.

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You can take rapport as

meaning, trust and connection.

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These things actually make that

rapport with your client relationships.

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If you feel that you're losing that,

then I think you do want to getting

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the energy back, meet them where

they're at, and try and lead them

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energetically to a better place.

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Part of doing that can be some matching

and mirroring as well, especially tonally,

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especially with your voice, to notice how

they're speaking, how they're sounding.

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Meet them as best you can where they are.

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You don't wanna step into their

emotional state, but you want to

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show that you are at least tuning

into them and present for that.

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If it's the case that you feel

like you've messed up as the coach,

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then I think it's important to

own that as quickly as possible.

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We don't really ever want to be in a

coaching situation where we are trying

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to avoid taking responsibility for

somewhere where we may have messed up.

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It's not always the case that

we have though even sometimes

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when we think have so.

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Don't jump straight into always

taking responsibility for

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whatever situation is going on.

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You can check in with your clients and

if you feel you may have some culpability

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in the direction that things are going,

which isn't desirable, then you can

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certainly bring that up and maybe

say something along the lines of, I

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feel like I may have some culpability

here in how we're directing this.

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And if that's the case, I would

like to apologize for that.

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That's not my intention.

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Are you open to getting things back on

track And, you may find out from that

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they feel it's not you, that it's just

something that's going on with them.

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Something probably will come outta

that, a conversation that will likely

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deepen the relationship is not necessary

for us to be perfect as coaches.

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We are not really there to be flawless,

but we don't want to be doormats

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either, where we take responsibility

for everything that may not be great in

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a client's life or coaching situation.

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We still want our clients to

take responsibility for their

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part in whatever is going on.

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People are still responsible

for their energy.

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And you may find that even if a

client were to say to you, you made

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me feel like this, we should know

as coaches that we don't make anyone

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feel a certain kind of way unless you

have intentionally tried to do that.

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I choose not to go down the path of,

well, you are making yourself feel like

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that because it sounds really snide

and I don't think it's very helpful.

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To still be from a place of understanding

and check in with your client.

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We don't wanna give one of

those crappy apologies either.

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There's not really an apology.

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So I would say something along the

lines of, that's not my intention.

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And if that's how it's come across.

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I really apologize.

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Help lead them to clarity.

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They're either gonna

accept that or they're not.

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But if you get pushback on that, I

don't think you wanna find yourself

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in a position where you're defending

yourself, you may want to explore

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something and say, oh, is this something

we can talk about a little more deeply?

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But my intention here was for this, but

this seems to have been the outcome.

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Instead, it's not where we want to go.

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Can we talk about this and see

where things may have come wrong

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so we can get things back on track

if you feel that's appropriate.

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There is a degree to which you have to

let your intuition as a coach guide you

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your ability to relate to people and

to connect with them in group settings.

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I think one of the things we can

do that really does help and we'll

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sometimes be resistant to doing this,

is to being open to sharing some of our

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mistakes I do that less in one-to-one

coaching than perhaps I would in group

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settings where I might tell a story.

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Telling stories in one-to-one

coaching is a little different.

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Some people have that coaching style

and it can work really well, and if

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the coaching relationship is good

and solid, you maybe can do that.

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But I think you have to

be very careful with it.

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It can feel a little more

impersonal, but in a group setting.

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It can actually feel more personal

and bring people in, so stories

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can feel more appropriate in group

coaching, group training sessions,

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and I wouldn't be afraid to use them.

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We don't wanna put ourselves into stories

where we look like idiots or where we

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damage our own credibility, but owning

some of our mistakes and showing that

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we have learned from them, that we've

healed from them, learned from them, we've

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moved on and we've gotten to a better

place, can still be really valuable.

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And it doesn't have to just be ours.

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It can be people that you've worked with.

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It could be someone who's well known it

doesn't always have to be your story.

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But sometimes it is good to share

the stories from your own life

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where things haven't been perfect

or where you haven't done things.

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Owning some of your flaws makes you

more accessible and more human, makes

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you more vulnerable to your audience.

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And we do want to show some level of

vulnerability, but we have to balance

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that with, we mustn't make ourselves

look incompetent or incapable when

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we're on the coaching calls as well.

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'cause that is going to damage the

trust in the coaching relationship.

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If you feel for some

reason the connection is.

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: 00:18:34

Wonky with a client, I can't think

of a better word than that to use

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right now, but you're not sure why.

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Maybe just ask them, say, Hey,

things feel a little off, and I'm

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: 00:18:44

not sure if it's something I've

said or if something's going on.

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I.

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: 00:18:48

Is this something we could talk about?

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: 00:18:50

Do you feel this too?

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: 00:18:51

Is something off, is there

something I should know about?

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: 00:18:54

Because probably there is something there.

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: 00:18:56

Your intuition is telling you that things

are not the way you are used to them

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being in that coaching relationship and

more than not, it is not going to be you.

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But it will lead into a

valuable coaching relationship.

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And it also shows that you're really tuned

into them and that you are listening.

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You are paying attention not just

to what they say, but to how they're

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showing up energetically on their calls.

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: 00:19:18

Now, you may have connection,

tips and ideas for how you

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: 00:19:22

connect with your clients as well

that I haven't covered today.

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I would love to hear them.

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We certainly could include

some of those in the show.

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: 00:19:28

And maybe you even have expertise

in this area that you would like to

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: 00:19:31

share, please do reach out to myself

or Angie and we can discuss bringing

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you on as a guest on the show.

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: 00:19:37

We're gonna be bringing you

an episode very soon, which

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: 00:19:39

is another interview episode.

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: 00:19:40

Our second interview episode.

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: 00:19:41

We're talking about AI for coaches, AI

tools, and how AI is changing the coaching

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: 00:19:47

industry and is probably going to continue

to change that and how we can ride the

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wave and make sure that we still have

business and clients as coaches so that

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AI doesn't take everything away from us.

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You're not gonna wanna miss that.

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: 00:20:01

I hope you'll stay tuned with us

next week, the week after that, Angie

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and I are gonna have a bit more of a

conversation about the AI tools that

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we'll be using and how we're implementing

those in our business as well.

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And we'll share that with you too.

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So that's it for me for this week.

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I hope you got some

value from the episode.