Toxic Positivity in Personal Development

John: 00:00:00

Welcome to the show, and we need to have a chat about positivity.

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Should be a good thing.

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All right?

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Positivity is great, but what

happens when positivity turns toxic?

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That's gonna be the topic of this

shorter episode of the Coaching Clinic,

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so welcome to the Coaching Clinic with

John and Angie, the show for coaches

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who want to develop their coaching

skills and grow their business.

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I'm happy to be back with another

shorter episode for you today and

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deliver the good news that Angie is

much better and will be back in the

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recording studio with me tomorrow.

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So we're very much

looking forward to that.

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She's also going to be recording a one

shot episode that you'll be getting pretty

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soon as well, and we are interviewing

some new guests, people within the

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coaching industry, or people who are

helping coaches to grow their businesses

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that we will be bringing you as well.

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So look forward to those things.

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Positivity though should be a good thing.

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We could all benefit most of the

time from being a bit more positive.

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And I know it's something that I've

done a lot of work on myself, but.

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Where does it start to become toxic?

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Now, this is a tool that has

been used within certain personal

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development cult-like organizations.

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It could actually, to some

degree, be described as cults.

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Now, I probably will do an episode at some

point, maybe one of my solo episodes about

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cults and identifying cult behaviors.

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But there are four main levers

that cults use to control people.

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And this doesn't just

happen in an instant.

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You may think surely someone

could just walk away from that

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when they start to notice it.

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Hopefully, yes.

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But if you don't know the tactics

that are being used against you, these

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are things that can actually start to

over time ware you down and get you

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to conform to the group behaviors.

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Now, a cult could be a larger

organization, a smaller group, or

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even just one person can be a cult.

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You can have cults of

personality for sure.

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You can have political cults,

religious cults, business cults.

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They all exist and they all use typically

some level of these four control leavers.

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I.

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One is behavior control where they

actually aim to control your behaviors.

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Another is information control where they

control the information that you receive.

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So you mainly get only ever get

propagandized by their own information

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and cut yourself off to external sources.

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Another technique is thought control,

where they'll get you to do things

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like thought stopping exercises,

so you can shut down any critical

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thinking or any doubts or red flags

that might be flashing up in your mind.

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And another is emotional control,

where they try and get you to feel a

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certain way and to limit, restrict the

emotions that you are allowed to express.

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Now even with just some of those

elements present, that is cult-like

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behavior and certainly many

organizations use levels of these.

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Now the amount of these levers that are

being applied does differ to the level

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of whether something is a bit cult-like

or whether it is a full-blown cult.

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We're not here so much to

talk about cults though, but.

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Toxic positivity, which I have come

across in the personal development

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world, is where you are really only

allowed to think and express positivity

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within a particular group, and to not

do so could lead to being reprimanded,

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or it could lead to being shunned by

the group, or it could lead to some

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kind of punishment, you are going to

be shown that behavior does not entitle

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you to be a full on part of the group.

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You will be pushed out until you conform

to the group behavior and nobody should

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be positive a hundred percent of the time.

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We are not built in a way that allows us

really to just experience one emotion.

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We experience hundreds, maybe even

thousands of emotional states and ranges

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throughout each day, many of which

we're probably not super aware of.

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We probably know when we're happy,

when we're sad, we, we probably

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don't identify too many of the

emotional ranges in between.

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Positivity certainly is a good thing to

have in your life A bit more generally,

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like I like doing my gratitude practice.

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I like being thankful things in my life.

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I like to show appreciation and I like

to be optimistic, but I don't want to put

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on rose tinted spectacles the whole time

to think that everything is wonderful,

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everything is positive, everything is

good, and there is nothing negative.

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It's not realistic.

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and this is really where people can start

to get you we know that being negative

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is not considered to be a good quality.

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And it is something that we probably

want to limit, but that doesn't mean

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that we should be positive all the time.

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It does mean that we perhaps do want to

limit or even stop moaning or complaining

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about things, although, could we ever

really do that a hundred percent?

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I'm not sure.

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But we certainly are better

off when we limit these things.

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But to eliminate them or to attempt

to eliminate them really just means

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we are suppressing our thoughts and

suppressing our emotions to conform

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to what is expected of us, rather

than what's really going on inside.

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And so toxic positivity or the cult of

positivity, even though it's not actually

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a cult, it is a cult-like behavior.

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The cult of positivity doesn't allow

you to be anything other than positive.

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It is emotional control

and it is thought control.

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You are only allowed to

think positive thoughts.

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You are only allowed to express

positive emotions, and you have to

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keep putting yourself into positive

emotional state the whole time.

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People may even try to make it sound like

your life should be so perfect once you

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are being more positive all of the time,

and yet that is not really how it works.

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And you probably know that.

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So positivity is a good thing in general,

but a hundred percent positivity a hundred

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percent of the time is not natural,

it's not healthy and it's not normal.

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We shouldn't even be attempting that.

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And if you do come across examples of

positivity being forced in all situations,

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or any kinds of negativity being

reproached and being even punished, then

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you should see that as a major red flag.

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And it might even be that the people

doing this are not aware that this is mind

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control behavior, but it absolutely is.

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And that's how we should look at it.

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So my advice is to aim to be more positive

in life, for sure, but allow yourself

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to experience the rainbow of emotions

that are out there and to express what

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actually is real, to express what is

real and happening for you at the time.

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There are times and places in our

days and our life experience where

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we can positively influence our

emotional state for the better.

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And I do encourage that, but

maybe not all the time, and

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certainly not just for one emotion.

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We must allow ourselves to

experience sadness when we're

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feeling sad, to experience anger.

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When we feel angry.

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We cannot put all of our emotions

on hold and suppress them.

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That just means that we are buckling

everything up inside and we start to

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switch off our own independent thought

when we are trying to behave the way

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that we think we are supposed to, rather

than the way that we really want to.

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I hope this has been a good and

insightful episode and definitely

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is encouraging me to want to go

a bit deeper into cults with you.

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The information that I shared with

you on Cults today does come from

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Steven Hassan, who I think is now Dr.

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Steven Hassan.

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Stephen Hassan is known

as a cult deprogrammer.

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He has a really good book on cult mind

control, how to understand it, where he

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talks about the BITE model, the behavior,

information, thought and emotional

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control elements, and all the different

aspects of that and how you can then find

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whether something is maybe just a bit

culty or whether it is a full-blown cult.

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So I do encourage you to check that

out if you are interested in that.

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It is, to me, very fascinating

and certainly the personal

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development world can be ripe

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for those kinds of malignant influences

where people maybe are feeling a

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bit broken or hurt or looking for

someone to follow and maybe don't

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trust themselves and their emotions.

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We want to be healthy examples for

the people who we are helping as

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coaches, and that means we shouldn't

even consider trying ourselves to

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be a hundred percent positive or

trying to get them to do that either.

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I hope you've enjoyed and found some

value from our episode today, and

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we'll be back with Angie next week.

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So I'm looking forward to

having her back in the studio.

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I've missed her and I know if you are a

regular listener, you probably have too.

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So we'll see you again very soon for

another episode of The Coaching Clinic.

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Bye for now.